“Give me a reason why you choose to always hurt my soul.
I gave you everything, oh baby, please I have to know.
Just answer me the question, are you gonna stay or go?”
This is interesting. All the posts so far have been written to Tommy. But I can’t help the fact that you have been on my mind lately. And I think it’s important to go over the story of you and I:
You and I met a few days after I said goodbye to Tommy on August 1st, 2016. I had come back early to see him again before he left. All of that went to shit. After he rejected me and claimed that he was just drunk and didn’t mean any of what he said to me a month prior I went and slept on my friends couch above The Point. I didn’t have a solid place to stay since all of my furniture was stored at Angus’ house. I had an apartment, but it was empty. It was very hard for me to leave Tommy that morning and not have anywhere to go. When I eventually got my air mattress from Angus’ (and found that random naked guy in my bed, because all my furniture was set up as a room for them to rent out for drug money. You know the story) I went home and just slept. Or tried. I felt like absolute hell. I started looking for jobs to find money. That’s when I saw the Craigslist ad for the the driver position at Jimmy John’s out in Louisville. I didn’t want to take the job because I was looking for something in Boulder, but I went for it because something in my heart told me it was worth it. And it was. Because I met you.
When I first started that job you and I did not like each other – as we both admitted later. You thought I was an attention seeking whore and I thought you were a narcissistic introvert. I never expected you to end up meaning so much to me. After awhile you and I started getting really flirty. I remember our actual first non-work related interaction at work. I was talking to Lacey and Gabby about Tinder and you walked by and told me you had swiped through every woman and man in the Denver metro area. In that moment I knew you were being flirtatious with me. You also said you had sucked dick before when we played Never Have I Ever – turns out that was a lie. Oh well.
The first time we interacted outside of work was when Gabby was at your place after work and she invited me to come hang out with you two. I went only because I thought you were cute. And in all honestly I was so heartbroken from Tommy that I wanted to distract myself. And you were the first cute boy to give me attention after Tommy. Only a few days after he moved. And how could I resist you, my blue eyed Adonis (oh how I miss calling you that).
After that night at your place you and I developed a jokeful “work marriage”. Everyone was so aware of how we flirted. And oh how we flirted. For months. All of the subtle interactions at work, all of the thoughtful gifts, all of the cigarette breaks, and all of the snapchats (especially the shirtless ones). Snapchat hasn’t been the same ever sense we parted ways. And a cigarette hasn’t tasted the same since, either. But I still haven’t quit. I know we talked about it.
It almost hurts to get into the history of you and I more than it does the history of me and Tommy. Maybe that’s because of how we ended. So I will skip some details because right now I can’t bare to think of them too long. I’ve been thinking of you too much lately, and I don’t want to convince myself to miss you.
So let’s fast forward to when you quit Jimmy John’s because you finally got a job in architecture. You and I went and got sushi that day. I got drunk. I told you that I had feelings for you. You told me you didn’t feel the same, although I knew that was a lie. I left you on that street corner and told you I didn’t want to see you again – apparently that is a trend in my life. Give it a few days and we were talking again. Little do I know that one hundred days to the dot after that point you would break my heart. Little did I know it would lead me back to Tommy.
Once we started talking again you because so much sweeter with me. You bought me the cutest gift anyone has ever gotten me – and I wish I could’ve got that record back from you. You went out of your way so much for me. You stepped out of your comfort zone so much for me. And we talked every day. I miss the emotional intimacy we shared. And honestly, I really miss you. You knew me so well, and I knew you. And you treated me the way I always longed to be treated. You were so thoughtful and so kind. I know I fucked things up. I know I put more pressure on you than you could handle. Honestly, I tried to turn you into Tommy. Which you aren’t. You were the quiet, artsy, introvert that I always thought I would end up with. Why I tried to turn you into that silly boy, I don’t know. I was hurt and confused.
Timing is a bitch.
Eventually it all went to shit. My best friend from home, Nicole, was visiting. I made you come out with us even though you didn’t want to. And we both remember how that night ended. You took her outside License 1 to tell her your feelings for me. My friend said you and her were making out. I snapped. I didn’t know the truth and I found you and her in an alley and I flipped. I was drunk. I was in love. I was jealous. And I scared you away.
We didn’t talk for two weeks after that. And when we did you lied to me. You told me Lily wasn’t someone you were seeing, but I knew she was. Apparently you found someone on Tinder immediately after I scared you away. I know you just ran. You were always afraid of the fact that you like men as well as women. And why I always fall for these types of boys I have yet to figure out. But I need you to know I am still hurt from the cowardice of how you ran.
But you being the ever sweet man that you are felt bad for lying to me. So you wrote me a letter telling me the truth. Telling me everything I already knew: how you had feelings for me, how you were too afraid, how you ran to the first heterosexual option you could find. You claimed to be happy. I felt like you were lying. I still think you were. How could you be that happy with someone after two weeks of knowing them? But then who am I to talk. I mean, just look at my feelings for Tommy.
We met for coffee the following morning. It started as a fight. But we finally boiled down and spoke honestly. You told me you had honestly tried. And I believe you. You just weren’t ready. You and your Texan childhood. It ended with us hugging goodbye. And I will never forget that moment. There was a random man playing the guitar outside the coffeeshop. You went in for a quick hug and when you went to let me go I asked you to hold me just a moment longer. You squeezed me in, I told you I would try my best to be your friend, and you cried. So did I. As we stood there holding each other under the strumming of a guitar.
A few days later I texted Tommy. He called me. I went and visited him. I dropped your gifts to me off on your porch. You know the story. We met up once after all of that. It was nice but it was awkward.
Before I moved to San Francisco I tried to see you one last time, but you ignored me. I tried to me okay with it, and I really thought I was. But lately I have been missing you. I know we would never have worked – the timing was all wrong. What a bitch. Had we met five years from now when both of us were ready I’m sure we could’ve made it work. And honestly, if it doesn’t work with Tommy, you’re the only other person so far that I would ever want to be with. I am so sorry for how I ruined it between us. You are a good man. Although you have your faults, you are a good man. I hope you’re happy, and I hope you’re free. I wish there was enough room in your life left for me. I wish we could talk. I really, really miss you. You treated me kind, and I treated you poorly. God I miss you. And not even romantically… just as a friend. I am sorry, Steven. You deserve so much better than how I treated you. I know my friends all think you were a coward and they may dislike you. But I know the truth. And I know that I am as much to blame as you are for how we burned down in flames.
Please be happy in life. And I am sorry that I could never provide you with the happiness that you deserve. You are sweet, you are gentle, and you are kind. And your blue eyes will always charm me.
With all the love I failed to give you,