"The way we are when we're together / let's us know that we still love one another / ain't that strange, but wonderful / that we're still friends."
– Donny Hathaway
Didn't think I'd be writing to you again. It's been a bit since I've written anything but it's been a hectic few weeks. As you know, we've talked about it. I'm currently at SFO flying back to Colorado to drive the rest of my stuff out to San Francisco. It's a shame we couldn't make time to meet up. But you have a deadline at work. I get it.
It's been so wonderful reconnecting with you lately. Truth me told, when I texted you last week I was drinking wine with Tommy on his rooftop. I still don't know what made me think of you. But I felt overwhelmingly that I missed you. I fully expected that you wouldn't respond to my text but I wanted you to know that I missed you. I was surprised to see you responded the following morning. It really warmed my heart. I'm glad you and I can still manage to be friends. Despite everything you've always cared about me and you've always understood and listened. I really want you to still be in my life – to whatever degree.
Steven, my blue-eyed Adonis, there are some things that I've been thinking about since we started talking again. I've come to realize that I didn't treat you the way you deserve. That I'm equally to blame for how things ended. But I want you to know that I did truly love you. I want you to know that because I think sometimes you forget that you are worth loving.
Sometimes I wonder, if you weren't afraid of a same-sex relationship and if I wasn't still pining after Tommy, could you and I have been happy together? I know I would've been happy with you. Would you have been happy with me?
I really did want to give you the world.
Steven, please find someone who loves and adores you the way I did – the way I do. Granted, my love for you has changed. And that's obviously for the better. But I will always love you.
I really hope we can see each other again. Soon.
I really actually love the fact that your growing your beard out. I love that you told me that and made a comment about how you know I hate that. It made me smile. You always wanted to grow your beard out but you never did because you knew I liked your facial hair short.
You growing your facial hair out is almost symbolic of us moving on.
(I literally just got texts from you right now. Isn't that ironic? I've missed seeing that unicorn emoji.)
You've been giving me good advice for Tommy. I know you want the best for me. You don't want me to make the same mistakes I made with you.
But Tommy is currently in a… situation. And I think right now what he needs of me is to be his friend above all else. So I think I'm putting that all on hold for the time being. I need to let him figure his shit out right now. This whole situation has been bringing us closer together… so we'll see.
I promise I'll start putting myself out there, though. I know how much you want me to be happy.
With all the love I'll always have for you,